Thursday, 08 January 2009

• After reading and thinking about two of HumbleWalk's recent posts I think I have figured out one of the reasons why I am slowly being excluded from this group.
  
  The Reasons:
  I think I am the victim of a church power play or two and am guilty of breaking an unspoken and informal rule of the group.  I think a former friend of mine (I'll call him "Bozo") made a power play that has since helped enable another likely power play.  Then I guess I broke an unwritten informal rule saying that no one is allowed to have a problem with anyone else in the group.
  
  The Story:
  In late September I had a falling out with Bozo and then in early October, I actually started completely ignoring him.  Now there were a lot reasons for my breaking off contact but I won't actually be getting into them in this post.  Basically Bozo had, over time, become somewhat abusive, manipulative and obsessive so I just didn't feel comfortable around him anymore.  That had been growing for months and I had tried to ask him to back off a few times but he didn't.  Less than a week after I first decided to completely stop talking to him I had a few people from the group asking me why I wasn't speaking to Bozo anymore.  I hadn't even told him there was a problem because at the time I thought that a week or two of no contact might help him realize that I was uncomfortable and something had to change.  It was decided though that I had been completely unreasonable and mean to Bozo.  That made me decide to make the broken contact official.
  
  A couple of weeks later, on advice from a mutual friend, I sent Bozo an email explaining my side of the story and asking him a couple of questions.  Two weeks later I received a lengthy reply saying basically that I had been completely unreasonable, mean and stupid and he had done nothing wrong and asking me to just become reasonable again and accept that he had done nothing wrong.  Honestly, if Bozo had just never responded it would have been better than that response.  Before long, almost every person we both knew at the group was asking me what had happened and pestering me to tell this guy I was sorry that I had been so mean to him and that I wanted to be friends again.  On the few occasions that people would actually talk to me they also would tell me that Bozo would never do any of the things I was claiming he had done because he is just too nice and polite.  If you had asked me a year ago I probably would have said the same thing and 18 months ago I certainly would have.
  
  Nothing in what was happening made me really want to be friends with Bozo again.  Then I actually skipped church and the group a number of times in October, November and December so that I could avoid him more easily and help keep things civil for the group.  I thought at the time that if I allowed time for people to calm down then I would be able to have a rational discussion about what had happened and thus sort through the crap and hopefully at least not feel like I had to avoid Bozo.  That doesn't seem to have been the case.  Instead it appears that in that time the group members that we both were friends with have become used to just not including me.
  
  Conclusions:
  I don't really know what I could have done differently in this situation.  Part of the problem is that I am a bit eccentric and people often don't know what to expect out of me.  Bozo on the other hand is a very ordered person who normally seems to go out of his way to avoid even potential problems.
  
  Early on I thought that if I had just told friends about his behavior then it would have been Bozo on the defensive instead of me.  But that wouldn't work because people wouldn't likely believe what I had to say about Bozo even if I had gone to them before he did.  Also, that really just isn't my style to try and incite drama and turn friends against each other.
  
  Another thought I had was that if I had just directly confronted Bozo about all of this early on then the fallout might have been minimized.  However, with my lack of tact and naturally loud voice and quicker than normal temper I likely would have wound up making a scene while he remained outwardly calm and played the victim (he's actually very good at that I've noticed).
  
  I really haven't been able to come up with any other ideas.  I also don't know what to do at this point unless I can somehow get him to start being manipulative and abusive to a few people who will notice his behavior for what it is and then will speak up about it.
  
  Disclaimer:  It is possible that he was never trying to be manipulative or abusive or anything and that he misunderstood me when I tried get the message across to him about that and the obsessiveness.  However, I don't think that really matters all that much at this point.
  

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